Two years ago today was the worst day of my life, but I survived.
This past year, I have not just survived; I have LIVED.

It will never be lost on me how I learned to wear all of my most prized hats (mom… of twins, stepmom, and wife) at the same time I was learning how to live with terminal cancer while continuing to work as a realtor and becoming an ALK-positive lung cancer advocate.
I really did all of that simultaneously. And holy hell, that was a lot.

In my first year post-diagnosis, I mourned the life I had and the life I thought I had ahead of me. For most people under 40, we expect to have more life ahead of us than life we have lived. For me, statistically speaking, that is no longer my reality.
How does one learn to live with their own mortality in that way? With a young family and a new marriage?
Do I have it figured out? No. But I think I’m doing a hell of a job learning, day by day, to accept it and balance it with hope.

My first year was overwhelming. It required me to learn what I needed to do to find peace and balance in all aspects of my life. I wrote in my journal. I went to the beach. I reached out to other ALKies. I started dipping my toes into advocacy work. Chris and I kept trying and continued to stick it out despite the overwhelming difficulty.

In my second year, this past year, it has felt like the seeds planted in the first year have begun to grow. I anticipated the anxiety I would feel around scans and took the necessary steps to give myself the grace I needed during that time. Chris and I have started to find our own groove in life and have built our own family dynamic. The little boys have grown into really fun toddlers, and it has become easier. I continue to try to be a good stepmom to Jack and often have open conversations with him about all aspects of life.

About three months ago, I realized the boys were turning two soon, and it hit me. My days are numbered, and I’m now two years into my diagnosis, which means I’m two years closer to dying. I realized every day we live is one less day to live. Time moves so quickly, which I’d be okay with if I just had a guarantee of more time — which NONE of us have. I’m just more acutely aware of it.
Everyone is terminally ill. Everyone, with every passing year, is closer to dying.

Time is our most precious commodity, and it is also the most undervalued. How many people do we know who dislike some aspect of their life but say, “one day”?

In this coming year, my hope is to keep chugging along on my first-line treatment and to check off a lot more from my bucket list. Chris and I are hoping to buy our first home together. Chris graduates with his master’s degree in two months. Jack finishes middle school in June. My advocacy work is so fun and fulfilling. I have the best group of friends.
Our family is amazing. Truly. I look at my life with so much gratitude.

Cheers to two years!!! I’ve made it. And cheers to the hope of many more.