My Dear Boys,

Next week, you will turn 2. As cliché as it sounds, being your mom is the greatest joy of my life. You both, your dad, and your big brother are the pieces of my heart. Always know that, whether I am here to tell you or not.

A part of my story, that you will undoubtedly know, is how the doctor missed my diagnosis. I had a chest X-ray and a breathing test in November. Then your dad and I surprisingly got pregnant with you the following Valentine’s Day. Yes, you will always know it was on Valentine’s Day, my favorite holiday.

I was not someone who yearned to be a parent. Because of our circumstances in the first year, it took me longer than normal to figure out what it meant to be your mom. I still sometimes look at you guys and can’t believe we are each other’s.
You now come to me when you want comfort, you cry when I drop you off, and you remind me that I am your mom. The feeling I get from my mom, that is what you get from me. I am sorry it took me so long to learn how to be your mom, and I am forever grateful to Carmen, Blanca, and your Grandma for helping me when I hadn’t figured it out just yet.

James and Benjamin, you are the most incredible toddlers. Benny, you’ve recently started saying “purple,” and now you insist on us holding hands most of the time as you walk around our house. James, your first word was “Mama,” and to this day, anytime your dad says, “Say Dada,” you reply with “Mama.” I love you that much too, buddy.
Being a parent is something only other parents can understand—how completely exhausting it is, and how even more rewarding it is. I do not judge anyone for not wanting this job, but for me, it feels like my life was incomplete before becoming your mom. The idea of being diagnosed and losing my ability to have kids before I had you sounds far more awful than what happened to me.

I have thought about that doctor’s mistake many times. My cancer might have been caught at an earlier, curable stage had they found it a year earlier. However, had that happened, I would have been in cancer treatment and would not have gotten pregnant with you.
If my life is cut short because of the advanced stage of my diagnosis, it was worth it 1000 times over because, James and Benjamin, you are the meaning of my life. I am so lucky. Thank you for choosing me and sticking by me while I figured it out.

I love you endlessly, my boys. Happy 2nd birthday. May Hashem bless us with many more together.

Love,
Mom