In the last month and a half, there has been a pervasive sense of collective sadness among Jews worldwide. October 7 marked Simcha Torah, which signifies the culmination of the Jewish fall holidays. In 2017, on Rosh Hashana, I made the decision to confront my fears and embark on a journey halfway around the world to celebrate Sukkot in Israel.

A few years ago, I was asked to share a story about a life-changing travel experience, and the following is that story. I have also attached the PDF version of the book along with some pictures from that memorable trip.

After the story, you’ll find a health update as well.

Chapter 3

Amanda Bialack

To all women living in fear of the unknown– Life begins when you push through that fear and get to experience everything you’ve been missing out on. Push though, life is short.

When my Life Begins just outside my comfort zone

In my late twenties I started learning more about Judaism. I was born and raised Jewish, however my family’s version of the religion was lax, at best. I didn’t know much about Shabbat, Chaggim (holidays), or Halakha (Jewish law). I knew I liked matzah ball soup and that my whole family got together family twice a year, for Passover and Rosh Hashanah.

I always wanted to learn more and do more with my religion, but I never really knew where to look or how to do it.

After a failed relationship with an Israeli man, who had opened my eyes to a new world of more traditional Judaism, I begin my quest to learn even more about it. This journey lead me to a greater understanding of not only the religion, and the Jewish community, which I became a part of but also of Zionism.

I began to develop a genuine love for Israel, this magical country that for thousands of years was home to the Jewish people. To my people. I saw pictures of it– the beaches, the holy sites, the kotel (wailing wall). The food looked amazing. As I became more integrated in the Pico-Robertson Jewish Community, I started hearing about people going to Israel all the time, as though it was just around the corner. I started to know people who were making Aliyah (moving from another country to Israel). I joined a Jewish learning organization, and the learning partner I was matched with, Sarah, was a women from Connecticut, who had, six months prior, moved to Israel with her family. The draw to travel to Israel, and experience it myself became stronger and stronger. I had to go.

There was only one problem: At sixteen I had developed debilitating panic attacks as a symptom of Agoraphobia, and I was terrified of flying or going anywhere outside of my comfort zone. Just a forty-five minute flight to San Francisco was a horrendous experience for me! I’d have take Xanax, and basically struggle to fight off a panic attack for the first twenty minutes on the plane. Once I did finally arrive at my destination, I could never enjoy my experience to its fullest extent because of my panic attacks and uneasy feeling that living with Agoraphobia produces. Traveling anywhere was difficult, but the thought of going to the other side of the world, in a different time zone? It was out of the realm of possibility.

Then, at age twenty-nine, a series of important events took place in my life. First– I decided I was going to live to be ninety, and that I could not allow these panic attacks to interfere with my happiness for the next sixty years as I had allowed them to for the last fourteen. I begin taking my CBT exposure therapy seriously, and I went through the painstaking work of desensitizing myself to panic attacks and agoraphobic situations. Then, a thirty-six- year- old woman I knew, Heather, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She spent the last year of her life talking about bucket lists, and living your best life with no regrets. She said, “If you want something, you need to go out there and get it, because you NEVER know when something could happen that will make doing it no longer possible”. So, I started small– with little flights here and there. I went on the Ferris wheel at the Santa Monica Pier. This may sound small, but it was HUGE for me! I also went to Catalina Island, where I went zip lining. Zip lining was something I had always wanted to do, but hadn’t out of fear. And then… I went to New York. I could not sleep the night before that flight. I was terrified. But I went! Following New York, I went to Mexico, San Francisco, Las Vegas, and Boston. Through all of this, I was overcoming fears and making up for lost time.

Fall is a busy time of year in the Jewish religion because of the many holidays. We call them “The Chaggim.” The season starts with Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year), and is followed ten days later by Yom Kippur (the day of atonement). Then a few days later is Sukkot, an eight- day holiday during which observers eat meals in Sukkahs (huts) that people build in their yards, and the season ends with Simcha Torah. It’s a long few weeks with lots of food, and not a lot of working.

One fall day, Sarah and I were talking, as we often do. She was teaching me something about the upcoming Chaggim, as she has every year since 2015. We were talking about all our plans, and as she always does, she said, “Just come to Israel for Sukkot, It will be fun. I’ll pick you up from the airport.” This time was different though, because…. I said, “okay.” Of course, she didn’t believe me– So, I bought a non-refundable, round-trip ticket! I was going to Israel for Sukkot.

On October 2, 2017, I landed in Israel. I like to caption this moment by saying, “It only took me fourteen hours and thirty-one years to get here, but I finally made it.” And, I really did…. I FINALLY MADE IT.

Sarah picked me up from the airport, and we went directly to the old city. It was such an incredible experience to walk through its gates! We first went to Aish, where we wrote notes to put in the wall. The experience of going to the kotel, putting my note in the wall, and then touching it and praying, was a pinnacle moment in my life. I spent the next few days at Sarah’s house. She took me to the beach and boardwalk near where she lives. At the beach, we did Tashlikh together, which is a ritual performed during this time of year. I also put my feet in the Mediterranean and experienced warm beach water for the first time.

Side note: I had a halloumi salad at a restaurant on the boardwalk that night, and let me just say– Israel has incredible dairy! Their cheese is so rich and so fresh. The food throughout Israel was absolutely amazing. They don’t use preservatives and everything tastes fresh and delicious!

On Friday, Sarah drove me to Jerusalem, where I met up with my friend Nicki. Nicki set us up to have some Shabbat meals with a few friends of hers. It was truly amazing to be halfway around the world, in a Sukkah, saying the same prayers I say in Los Angeles on Shabbat. It felt magical. I was here! I had made it and I was having Shabbat in a Sukkah in Jerusalem. That Sunday I went to Yad Veshem, the Holocaust museum. I spent a few hours there doing the audio guided tour. The tour ends with the end of the Holocaust and the liberation of the camps. It left me with this overwhelming feeling of, “But what now, where do they go from here?” When you walk out of the museum, you come to a courtyard that overlooks the hills of Jerusalem. At this solemn and beautiful place, I thought to myself, “This is where they go, this is where they went.” It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life.

Monday morning I took a cab to Tel Aviv and I booked a hotel right on the beach. Nikki met me, and we spent that first day and evening together. As soon as we arrived, we put on our bathing suits and went to the beach. I had dreamed about the day I’d be at the beach in Tel Aviv. I wore my “Live Like Heather” Shirt. She, along with so many other things, had played such a huge part in getting me there. I felt the need to honor her, and so I did!

I was in Tel Aviv Monday through Thursday nights, and I spent every evening with the doors to my patio open, listening to the waves from the beach.

I spent my time in Tel Aviv seeing old friends, as two people I’d grown up with had made Alyiah and were living in the city. I went out one night with Nicki, and spent a lot of time at the beach. Sarah came down one day and we went to a museum and shopping! I left Israel the day Sukkot ended. It was the trip of my lifetime. It is an incredible place that I believe everyone should go to. I think it’ll feel like home to you, regardless of your religion. One may hear different things about this magical place, but to know Israel is to experience it for yourself– the nightlife and beaches of Tel Aviv, the holiness of the old city, the food, the people, and the culture are all truly magnificent.

Traveling is something I recommend to everyone. If you only live in a bubble of your own world and your own experiences, you’ll never truly know the rest of the world. We, as Americans are rich in ways other people, in other lands could never dream of. We can’t fully appreciate that fact until we see what someone else’s “normal” is. Traveling, for me, has opened my eyes to different cultures and experiences I could only ever see by going FAR outside my comfort zone. I can’t wait to start my next journey.

Health Update:

People frequently ask me “How are you doing? How is treatment?” and my response is always “Do you follow my blog”? I need to know how much info they already have and how far back I need to go.

I have been feeling good overall. Since my last scan I have realized that the tightness I sometimes feel when I breathe is not a tumor, but the clasped lung. My lung Dr. described it to me after my last scan that I have 99% good working lung, and 1% that wasn’t able to recover. It feels tight and sometimes like I can’t catch a full breath. But not in any meaningful way. This isn’t something I wouldn’t notice if I didn’t know. It really doesn’t impact me or effect anything. I have been running again. I am far from where I want to be as a runner, but I am getting out there and doing it and that is more than a lot of people without lung cancer!

My next PET scan is this Friday. Jack is going with his mom this weekend, and the twins are getting split up between my parents and Chris’s mom. Chris and I are going to San Diego overnight. I should have the results by mid next week.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I am excited to celebrate. Thanks for reading and following my blog!